A good collection of IT quips

wvjohn · Post by **wvjohn** » Sat Jun 20, 2015 6:45 pm

http://www.tickld.com/x/20-most-infuria ... 2&ts_pid=2

1. From my mother: IT'S NOT TURNING ON NOW BECAUSE YOU DOWNLOADED WHATEVER THAT FIREFOX THING IS.

2. Reaching over my shoulder and pressing the power button, while I was mid way through a registry edit and saying... "do you think rebooting it will help."

3. "Ever since you fixed that paper jam my computer has been running slower."

4.
Dad: I need to put some files on my thumb drive.
Me: Ok, remember how we did that last time?
Dad: No.
Me: Ok, what files?
Dad: Pictures.
Me: OK, open your pictures folder, highlight the ones you want and press Ctrl+C.
...
Me: Are you doing that?
Dad: No. I'm in control panel.
Me: Who told you to go to control panel?
Dad: I thought it might help.

5. My boss calls everything from our website to our printers "database". We do in fact have a document database which we use so every time there she has an issue I have no idea what she is talking about. "I can't connect to the database" = Can't Print. "The database crashed, were we hacked" = Computer unplugged.

6. People at my company that refer to everything as "The Server."
"Is the server down?" = My screen resolution set to 800x600
"Is the server up?" = I have somehow erased my hard drive
"Could you put it on the server?" = Why isn't the file magically appearing on my desktop .

7. "I was working on this word document for 2 hours and I closed it, it asked me to save and I said no. Get it back"

8. Blaming an error on you, when it happens months later, and is completely unrelated to any work you did. Especially if its a hardware failure when you fixed software problems. Just imagine that with any other technical industry. Have a friend who is an electrician come to your house for free, install an outlet, for free, and next year a lightbulb in the other side of your house burns out, so you call him up and say it is probably his fault, and guilt him into replacing it.

9. As a kid, my mom would play this online card game. I would play little cartoon games, like whinnie the pooh, and junk like that. Anyway, one day I come home and all my games are deleted, I was mortified. I asked my mom what happened and she told me, "they were making the computer run slower." about 2 or 3 years later I realized that she would download and reinstall her stupid card game every single time she wanted to play it.

10. "Where's all my stuff?" After reloading her OS and having:
1. Explained at length how EVERYTHING WOULD BE GONE.
2. Offered her a data transfer.
3. Read her the wipe/reload paperwork OUT LOUD.
4. Had her sign the papers that said, "EVERYTHING WILL BE GONE."
5. Told her that her computer would only have the things on it that it had when it was brand new.

11.The other day, I was informed that I needed to make sure that the server was up, and it was to be a priority because the customer did not have an operating system.

12.Doing tech support at an ISP, person said "My computer won't turn on, your internet is broken" I asked them to check the back of the computer to see if the plug was in, they replied "I can't see the back of the computer, its dark in here" I said "Well turn on the light then." Reply "Well... the power is out."

13.
Mom: Some of my keys on the keyboard are sticking. Can you ask your boyfriend to reprogram it for me?
Me: No, Mom, that's not how that works. That sounds like a hardware problem.
Mom: You're not the computer engineer!

14. My mother. Her computer crashed one day (presumably due to all the stress). She completely wiped the hard drive then decided to buy a new computer because she likes new things.
Next day:
Mom: "I can't find any of my files on my new computer."
Me: "Well, you didn't do a data transfer."
Mom: "But I put the old one in the new computer! It's sitting right there on the bottom!"
At this point, she opens the case and shows me the old drive just chillin' on the bottom panel. After I explain how that doesn't do anything, this happens:
Mom: "Well, I've got some copper wire in the office somewhere. You can attach the new one to the old one."
Me: "That...won't work."
Mom: "YES IT WILL YOU'RE JUST LAZY."

15. Where are your files?
In Word
Okay but where are they?
In WORD!
But in what folder are they in, My Documents?
NO THEY'RE IN WORD DAMMIT.

16. That if you get the destination address slightly wrong on an email, someone, like an electronic postman i guess, will know what you mean. My mum had been giving out her email, adding "or something like that"

17. Me: "Show me exactly how you caused the problem to occur."
Them: "Why can't you do it? You're the computer expert."

18. My dad called me a Twat because I opened a new tab.

19."I know you folks at Best Buy are always trying to confuse people like me. I don't want to hear any bullcrap, just show me where the discs of internet are."
"Discs... Ma'am I don't quite understand, do you already have a provider? or..."
"CUT THE BULLSH*T, just show me where I can get a disc of internet!"
"In the aisle next to car stereos ma'am."

20. "So here's how you can prevent this from happening in the future."
"Don't give me technical mumbo jumbo, just fix it."

We've all had those moments. Share this with your friends by

Nuby1Canuby · Post by **Nuby1Canuby** » Sun Jun 21, 2015 2:06 pm

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Couldn't resist. Just finished watching the IT Crowd.

GuardianAsher · Post by **GuardianAsher** » Sun Jun 21, 2015 6:21 pm

Nuby1Canuby wrote:Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Couldn't resist. Just finished watching the IT Crowd.

That is my standard answer at work now.

"I can't log in to (application)/I can't do (action)/My computer is acting funny."

"Have you tried rebooting your computer?"

"You stupid IT people always say that! Why do you always ask me to reboot, can't you just come fix it?!"

This causes a branching path, depending on my mood at the time. I will either, A, tell them to call me back if they've rebooted their PC and the thing still doesn't work, and 9 times out of 10 I never hear back from them. Or B, I get my happy butt out of my office, walk all the way across the factory to said person's office/cubicle, shove them out of the chair, hit the restart button (much to their chagrin because I usually don't save anything open before I do), then stand back and watch as they log back into the PC, try to do whatever it was they complained about, and watch them grumble a 'thank you' out of the corner of their mouth when said thing works perfectly. I have most of the people at the factory trained to just reboot before they even come talk to me.

Every once in a while I'll still get the smarta$$ manager or someone who still doesn't believe in the almighty reboot though. Thankfully, our plant manager is pretty tech savvy and will back me up when they try to complain. Usually says something along the lines of 'if you'd listen to him in the first place...'

Losbot · Post by **Losbot** » Mon Jun 22, 2015 11:24 am

GuardianAsher wrote: This causes a branching path, depending on my mood at the time. I will either, A, tell them to call me back if they've rebooted their PC and the thing still doesn't work, and 9 times out of 10 I never hear back from them. Or B, I get my happy butt out of my office, walk all the way across the factory to said person's office/cubicle, shove them out of the chair, hit the restart button (much to their chagrin because I usually don't save anything open before I do), then stand back and watch as they log back into the PC, try to do whatever it was they complained about, and watch them grumble a 'thank you' out of the corner of their mouth when said thing works perfectly. I have most of the people at the factory trained to just reboot before they even come talk to me.

Screw that, I don't have time for nonsense. You're doing it all wrong. LOL
I get the same crap and I tell them to reboot. When they give me shit, I say, "OK. Close any open files you have so I can fix it."

Once they have done that, I already have my DOS box open and I hit [ENTER] on:
shutdown /r /f \\COMPUTER /t 1

Assuming you're an admin, this reboots their PC (replace COMPUTER with the name of the PC), forces the closure of apps and does it in 1 second instead of the default 30 secs.

THEN I tell them to call me back once they've logged back in again.

wvjohn · Post by **wvjohn** » Mon Jun 22, 2015 12:30 pm

my all time favorite was when the admin staff had a series of "problems" - just the usual stuff. I told them them I wasn't sure, but I'd heard leaving 1$ under the keyboard had helped some people. A little bit later, one of them asked me if it would be ok to leave 4 quarters, b/c they were afraid a dollar might get swiped by the cleaners. Two of them did it. I came in most weekends to check on our server, and I would give the computers with the $$ some extra tlc. Pretty soon 4/6 doing it. Turned out to be a great source of change for the vending machines for me. I always kept meter change in my car, but this way I always had change for a coke, whatever. I would replace it before I left for the day. People said it was amazing that trick worked.

I told them computers were mysterious.

darcy · Post by **darcy** » Mon Jun 22, 2015 1:00 pm

these 2 made me lol,

~

That if you get the destination address slightly wrong on an email, someone, like an electronic postman i guess, will know what you mean. My mum had been giving out her email, adding "or something like that"

Dad: I need to put some files on my thumb drive.
Me: Ok, remember how we did that last time?
Dad: No.
Me: Ok, what files?
Dad: Pictures.
Me: OK, open your pictures folder, highlight the ones you want and press Ctrl+C.
...
Me: Are you doing that?
Dad: No. I'm in control panel.
Me: Who told you to go to control panel?
Dad: I thought it might help.

Post by **FlyingPenguin** » Mon Jun 22, 2015 2:09 pm

It's fun trying to diagnose issues over the phone. I'm a nice guy and I try to save my clients a service call if it's something simple or stupid, so I ask a few questions and have to work my way around noob responses to get somewhere.

Client: "The computers are slow."

Me: "Is it slow all the time, or only when you're on the Internet?"

Client: "Oh I don't think it has anything to do with the Internet. It only happens we check email, or go to a website."

------------------

Client: "My email is broken."

Me: "Do you still have Internet access?"

Client: "Yes."

Me: "So you can still browse Google or go to websites?"

Client: "No, that hasn't been working either, but it's not as important as email. I can live without Internet access but I can't do my job without email."

Me: "Can you still see the server shared folders and the network printers?"

Client: "I've been having problems with those too, but I figured I'd let you look at that another time. What I really need right now is to get email working. Oh, and another issue is this popup that keeps coming up about a network cable is disconnected."

mackme

Post by **FlyingPenguin** » Mon Jun 22, 2015 2:11 pm

It's fun trying to diagnose issues over the phone. I'm a nice guy and I try to save my clients a service call if it's something simple or stupid, so I ask a few questions and have to work my way around noob responses to get somewhere.

Client: "The computers are slow."

Me: "Is it slow all the time, or only when you're on the Internet?"

Client: "Oh I don't think it has anything to do with the Internet. It only happens we check email, or go to a website."

------------------

Client: "My email is broken."

Me: "Do you still have Internet access?"

Client: "Yes."

Me: "So you can still browse Google or go to websites?"

Client: "No, that hasn't been working either, but it's not as important as email. I can live without the web browser for now, but I can't do my job without email."

Me: "Can you still see the server shared folders and the network printers?"

Client: "I've been having problems with those too, but I figured I'd let you look at that another time. What I really need right now is to get email working. Oh, and another issue is this popup that keeps coming up about a network cable is disconnected."

mackme

darcy · Post by **darcy** » Wed Jun 24, 2015 4:14 pm

my mom is going on 85, and i just smile when i try to show her something new during my visits there, or if she calls me when she has trouble.
the problem is, she doesn't know the right terms to use to explain something.

my brother sends her links.
well,,, she doesn't know what to do with a link [ even though they show up in blue type ], and i keep telling my brother if he sends her a link, he has to say in his email:

" click anywhere on the blue line here -------------> [ link ].
it will pop up something new.
when you are done looking at it, move your mouse so that the arrow on the screen goes to the red X in the top right-hand corner and click on that red X.
that will bring you back to the email you were reading. "

that is too much trouble for him to do, but does he stop sending her links? no, lol; and she promptly sends it to Trash without even bothering with it.

and she uses 2 hands to click the mouse, ~ one hand is on the mouse to hold it still, and then she brings her other hand over to click the mouse.
i figure it it works for her, let her be

the fact that i was able to teach her over the phone how to reply to an e-mail is
fine enough w/me, ~ and we e-mail each other every day, and that's nice, since we live 100miles away from each other

.

Cheap · Post by **Cheap** » Wed Jun 24, 2015 6:01 pm

We have a client who has been calling us on and off for the past 6 months complaining about how their computers are slow. It was an easy assessment that their pipe (7 mb d/l, 768 kb u/l) was pitifully small for the size of their organization (~50 PCs and supporting domain joined PC's at a second location across town on a VPN tunnel). They say yes, we understand, then call back a month later and create a new ticket asking "What's wrong?! Why is email so slow? Why is the internet slow?" Test the bandwidth again...no surprise, they haven't changed their tier of service. Rinse and repeat. 6 months this has been going on!

Fortunately, I don't have to do any phone support these days, that is the worst.

Oh and my father still does not understand how to drag n drop files from his camera after he hooks it up to his PC.

wvjohn · Post by **wvjohn** » Wed Jun 24, 2015 6:41 pm

Yep on the parents. Got a call from my dad this morning that the internet broke last night, he thinks hes got it working ok now. Said he spent an hour on the phone with Verizon.

When did this happen?
Last night during the big thuderstorm ... DSL over copper....

but like others have said email is great . He's 93 can't hear, so email keeps us connected

darcy · Post by **darcy** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 3:13 pm

wvjohn wrote:Yep on the parents. Got a call from my dad this morning that the internet broke last night, he thinks hes got it working ok now. * * *

'the internet broke' ~ that's cute

.
my mom doesn't even know "the internet".
if something's wrong, it's her Gmail's fault; she wouldn't know to blame her internet connection, or if the PC is at fault : )

{ 93 and e-mailing; ~ that's great, John

}

wvjohn · Post by **wvjohn** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 3:56 pm

My Dad is halfway savvy, but.

He has two Verizon accounts in different cities. For years he believed he had to be in the city of the account to check the email.

The last time I fixed his laptop, and installed Firefox and all the adblocker stuff I use. "What's the password to Firebox? It won't let me log onto my computer"

darcy · Post by **darcy** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 4:47 pm

wvjohn wrote:My Dad is halfway savvy, but.

He has two Verizon accounts in different cities. For years he believed he had to be in the city of the account to check the email.

The last time I fixed his laptop, and installed Firefox and all the adblocker stuff I use. "What's the password to Firebox? It won't let me log onto my computer"

you gotta luv them!

Executioner · Post by **Executioner** » Thu Jun 25, 2015 6:12 pm

I gave up on my mom who is 83. I bought her a used laptop running XP (this was about 3 years ago) for Facebook only so she can see the clan. I had it setup where she only needed to turn it on and it would boot to FB. I showed her multiple times how to use FB, but after I left, she put the laptop in her bedroom and never used it again. Still complains about not getting pictures.